The process of blogging can be amazingly therapeutic. I have a friend at Christian college, who after suffering from a relationship breakup has gone through an incredibly tough time, yet has found joy and therapy in blogging his thoughts almost every day. What has been amazing about this is that God has revealed some amazing things to him through this time of suffering, and it is so clear that he has grown so much closer to Him through this time. I must admit I am somewhat envious that he has had this experience, yet I cannot help but be more joyful and amazed at God's healing presence in his life through this time.
I can remember some times in my life over the past year or so that I hit rock bottom - it was like all support structures had been removed and there was just me in this dark pit, wondering how I happened to be here. Interestingly it was always after a prolonged period of time in which I was working really hard without maintaining a balance to my life - I was getting burnt out and only by shutting down, could my mind, emotions and spirit recuperate. I am not sure how I have gotten to this position in my life, but I understand that I have a really hard time saying 'no' to things - my pride keeps telling me that I must be involved in particular things in order to make a significant contribution - as if God needs my help!! Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually that He will accomplish things regardless of me, I still form my identity by what I can do and achieve rather than who I am in Christ. The funny thing is though that when I have hit rock bottom -- to my wife and others looking on, it seems worrying, yet I am normally at complete peace down there because it is where God is most evident - at the point that I need Him the most.
I caught myself saying to someone the other day - "I am an activist" with regards my leadership style. But is this really true or is this a construct of my own to give me an identity? In many ways I am somewhat confused about who I really am at this point of my life. Even when doing the Myers Briggs Indicator there was a great deal of uncertainty whether I was an S or N and a T or F - the scores were so close together that it just left me unsure - a number of the type descriptions I could relate to depending what mood I happened to be in that day.
I have just been given a leadership role at College - Student President. Internally, I fight with the title because as people congratulate me it just feeds my pride and ego. I know that I need to be down on my knees before God even more now because as John Maxwell states - you have to give up to go up, its the Law of Sacrifice: as your responsibility increases you rights decrease. Yet my battle with pride is a constant weary endeavour that wears me out quite often . The frustrating thing can be is that I know the alternative - to be humble and content with the here and now. Yet it is so difficult to achieve that contentment in the midst of a busy life. How can I achieve this?
Jesus says: Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I wil give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Mt 11:28-30
It is so often easy to say but so hard to realise and experience this truth. How do you find the true authentic Jesus in the middle of it all? When He was stretched, He went to the mountain or out onto the lake and prayed...........
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