Testimony

I was brought up in a good family environment - my parents, brother and grandparents and I all lived together in Portincaple (35 m NW of Glasgow). We used to attend church and I remember going to Sunday school classes and even some of the Sunday services as a child. From the age of 10 though all I was really interested in was my friends, football and rugby. I remember my Mum once saying that once you get to a certain age, you have to make your own mind up about things to do with God - and since none of my friends were into Church, I decided that I wasn't interested in God, in fact from some point in my life (I am not sure when) I completely forgot about God - He did not even cross my mind - the things of life were so much more important - sport, school, friends, films, music, making sure I was really just part of the crowd was the most important thing for me, to make sure I was acceptable to others. I always felt a little of an outcast as we lived in the small hamlet 2 miles away from the village where my friends were - and there was always an element that I was never quite accpeted - particularly because they thought I was a bit posh, because my Mum spoke with quite a proper English accent!

Through teenage years and into University life I gradually formed a lifestyle that is considered normal for young people today - it was all about socialising with friends, getting drunk, taking some drugs and sleeping with the opposite sex. Important topics of conversations were things on TV, movies, bands, what friends are up to, sleeping with the opposite sex, Uni, what happened at the last night out, and remembering stupid things that so and so had done that time they got really plastered! I had also become a reasonably good rugby player and while at Uni was playing in the Scottish National League with Glasgow Accies.

My life changed in some respects when I found an amazing job in America over the summer selling study guides door to door. I did really well, was one of the top students and had now added a new dimension to my life - the secrets of successful people. Most of the aforementioned things were still prominent in my life, but this now made things new - I was on the right tracks to make my life a real success, by being successful in business!

However, throughout this time two events had a dramatic impact on my life - at 19 my grandfather who had been an incredible mentor for me in my childhood died from cancer, followed by my Mum two years later. As I look back now my life was irrevocably altered. I was not going to be beaten by this - I kept striving for success in Uni and work, I was achieving most of my goals too. Yet over the next 4-5 years, despite all the success and promotions and recognition and money, I was deeply unhappy. In fact looking back now I was quite depressed, yet I was doing an amazing job of not showing it - I just kept pressing on.

I took a trip to Peru in November 1998, which was an amazing experience, and helped me to deal with some burn out. It gave me space to myself to think and contemplate, to have an adventure and broaden my horizons. One morning I was sitting at breakfast, writing my journal
and the thought of God came to mind. I did not think about Him a lot, just enough to be interested enough in investigating what it was all about when I got home. I came home feeling a new man, more confident and wordly wise and proceeded to have a few conversations with various people. I didn't get any groundbreaking information, just a few ideas. But then it was put to the back of my mind again for about two years.

I had a Canadian girlfriend that lived in London, Ontario - talk about a long distance relationship! But I got to the point where I had decided that she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with - to the point that I almost moved to Canada. But something stopped me - my career: I would need to give it up, and I was not prepared to do that, and she was not prepared to live in Scotland, and so I knew my judgement had been wrong. We eventually broke up half way through a summer selling season in 2000. Just before we broke up however, she had an experience with God, that was super spiritual and it frightened and confused me considerably.

Through the next 6 months I returned to an old way of life that I had managed to stay away from for the two years we had been together - drinking a lot and trying to get together with girls. I struggled hugely with lust in this period of time, which culminated in me sleeping with my best friends ex-girlfriend. But something else was happening in this time, a strange undercurrent of change was happening in my life. I had firstly started to feel strangely over - protective of one of the girls I worked with and was spending a lot of time with, and secondly I was beginning to ask more people about their faith in God. In short I was realising that my continuing search for peace and joy was not being fulfilled by business success or nights out or relationships with the opposite sex - there must be something more.

At that time I was renting a room from a Christian friend in his flat. I was witnessing his life close up - the quiet times he was spending with his Bible - and the peace he seemed to have inside. I did not have this peace, but I wanted it. This same girl I had become overprotective of had just become a Christian, so I asked her one night about her faith. The next week she invited me to Church because they were doing a sermon series on Questions about the Christian faith - the main reason I went to Church was to spend time with her. In all honesty I remember nothing about those services, apart from the time walking Jill to and from Church.

The next thing that happened was really strange - it had nothing to do with God - at least not on the surface, but I was developing stronger and stronger feelings for this girl, to the point that I could not live with myself if I did not tell her how I felt. I had a feeling she might reciprocate, but it was complicated - I was her sales manager, and she was still a student. Eventually I told her, and thankfully she eventually accepted that she had the same feelings for me - Happy Days!
Church continued, I started to go through an alpha course; at some point in the process I committed my life to following Jesus - but I do not remember when and there was no dramatic story to tell, just a slow, but sure accpetance and realisation that it was right and true to live my life in accordance with what I was reading in the Bible and hearing in sermons on a Sunday morning. I eventually was baptised - I remember expecting something dramatic to happen - you know like all of a sudden all my burdens would disapper and I would find eternal peace and joy, but it didn't.

I began finding business harder and harder to cope with - I was travelling a lot and found that I had few roots and began feeling more and more unstable as a person - sudden mood swings, an inability to control my emotions, and bouts of depression in which I felt as though I would never feel joy ever again and I only seemed to be repelling people rather than attracting them - this was not what a life of faith was supposed to be like - it was supposed to be full of joy and happiness that Jesus had saved me from death and I would live for eternity with God and the rest of the happy guys. I have now taken steps of faith in the hope it will lead me to find my life with Jesus - Jill and I are now married; I took the plunge and have followed what I believe to be God's call on my life to go to Bible College and am studying Theology.

So many of my decisions at the moment seem to be contrary to the expectations of the prevailing culture. To become a student again when newly married, to study for a career in full time Christian ministry instead of continuing to use my sales and leadership skills to be a success in the business world and earn a lot of money. But I am finding, slowly but surely that God is setting my feet upon a rock - my wounds from losing Mum and broken relationships in the past are being gradually healed as I discover my new life in Christ. I am part of a community that accepts me, and loves me not for what I have or am achieving but for who I am as Nick, and I have the space to rediscover the Nick that God initially intended. It is not quite a 'happy ever after story' as I see it right now because I feel that I am still in the woods trying to find the clearing, but I am safe and secure in the knowledge that with Gods love and guidance I find more peace and joy every day in different ways. I have such a wonderful wife that loves me unconditionally; I have amazing friends at Church and college who care deeply for how I am getting on and I just know that this is the way that life is supposed to be.